Being Bilbo

I've been wondering whether I should post this text. Anyway, here it is. 

Like my favorite British witch once said, "Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself”. That is why I have written down my fears, named them, so I may fear them
less.  

As some of you may already know, in 15 days (time flies!) I will move to the Canary Islands in Spain for 6 months. I am studying abroad for a  semester and I am over the moon, yet at the same time I am terrified. I am excited that I will be able to test myself, live on my own, control my money and basically be an "adult-adult" for the first time in my life. And that seems completely logical in my mind. The thing is that as the day comes I feel like I am losing the ground beneath my feet. Some moments I just want to hide in my bed and never leave. Some of my fears are ridiculous, some others are quite real.

I am leaving my family behind; My parents who, even though they are over-over-over-protective, love me, and also my younger sister and best friend. I am sure they will miss me and I know that my moving will cause them trouble. I am afraid that I am being selfish to go when they need me. My father’s health it’s not at its finest, it hasn’t been for the past couple of years, and I am scared that when I leave it might be the last time I see him. I hate to think that but it is a possibility, and in that case I would not be here for either my mother or my sisters. My mother is under a lot of stress and I am just adding some more. Especially in times of great financial problems (when some days of this summer food wasn’t a sure thing on our table) I will not be here. This leads to the other reason that I am afraid. I don’t have any money. No, wait, I have about 70 euros even though I will need about 700-800 euros when I get to Spain. The European Union funds the students but I will not get the money until October which means that I have about 45 days that I will have to fund myself. And I can’t.

I am leaving my friends behind and I fear that when I am gone, I am going to be replaced. Either at my university or at Streetlights. This seems like a really childish fear but for me it’s true. I need to feel that I am needed and I am selfish because I am not thinking how I will miss people but I care if people will miss me.

I am afraid of myself, not for myself but of myself. For the first time I will be away from my second family, Streetlights. My every journey since I started traveling included me in a Streetlights adventure. Who am I going to be without my friends, my brothers and sisters to inspire me, to help? This year I understood that I have a calling for serving others, and the thing is I won’t have anyone to serve in Tenerife. A friend told me that my time there will be difficult in spiritual level and now I am starting to realize this.

I am afraid about my Spanish. Although I finished my 3^rd year at the University having Spanish classes I feel like I can’t speak yet. I am afraid because lots of professors in Spanish Universities aren’t that welcoming to Erasmus Students. What am I going to do?

But mostly I am afraid I am letting down God. Because every day I can hear him saying: I am there for you, I will take care of you. Some times through my Bible, sometimes through a nice woman who will reassure me that Venus is getting in the right position for me to travel (joking obviously). And yet I am not trusting Him. Lately I feel a lot like Peter, who wanted to set up a tent to stay next to Jesus but denied Him. Most of times I feel like I am not praying but daydreaming. 

In nerdy terms He is Gandalf calling me on an adventure and I am the forever grumpy Bilbo.

 
So if you are reading this, please pray for me and my family. Pray for strength and wisdom. Pray that I will learn to trust God wherever He leads me. I know he can’t be wrong. Also thank you for reading this, it means a lot.